Tired Ramblings and Thoughts on Having a Voice

Let's not just talk about gender issues, or race issues, or religious issues, or [fill in blank]-- but instead let's talk about people issues today. My viewpoint is easily shaped by the people I've been exposed to, my environment, my own self-healing journey, ect., ect. Perspective, perspective...

Ah, cutting to the chase. Why do we talk to opurselves in self-harming ways? I wouldn't care to call my child fat, or stupid, or tell him he's not good enough. So why do it in my head? Why would I want to be alone with my thoughts when all they are... are criticisms?


We all have a voice. In my job, I find I adore adolescents. I just love these bright kids. They're so freaking smart. They may not have the emotional experience but they can understand what the heck I am telling them. They bloom when they find they have a voice.

And they have a choice.

Yes, we all have rules and consequences. I speed, I get a ticket. I rob a bank, I go to jail. You, young one, break curfew and get grounded. Action, consequence. You choose to do or not to do certain things. You choose how to respond. You choose how to deal with it.

Choices. Bright, sweet children.

And we have a choice.

Adults, oh adults. We're making the same mistakes. “Do as I say, not as I do”. How are your children to learn what you're trying to teach them if you have no idea how to do it yourself:? “It's so hard for me though.” If it's so hard for you, why are you asking it of your kids? Don't ask of them what you're not willing to do yourself. “Don't put other people down---STUPID JERK, GET OFF THE ROAD!” Ahh, we're not perfect, are we? No, we're not. As parents we sometimes (read: I sometimes) feel like a child trying to figure out how to create that complex lego battleship, or put together that piece of furniture with instructions I swear was written in Chinese.

So I trial and error and let the blocks go tumbling down (or the entertainment center) and curse like a vivid sailor and start again. Lose my temper (“Mommy's sorry for yelling”), stand my ground, butt heads with my obstinate seven year old for hours and then cry and ask for cuddles and we read a book and take a bubble bath and fall asleep.

We have voices as adults. We're not perfect. We need to speak up. All of us. My son sure as heck knows what he does and doesn't want. Doesn't mean he gets it. But he needs to be able to talk about why he's mad. I keep pounding it in, “It's not about not being mad, it's about what we do with it. What should we do?”

Ah, I made him think last night, when he smack my hands. “Why did you do that?” I asked of my son. (Applicable to adults, from one partner to another after or during a fight: “Why did you talk to me like that/why did you yell? Why did you feel a need to do that when I did not?”) He shuffled around in the bathroom. I had taken his toy because of it and he was about ready to tantrum something wicked but instead he said, “Because you made me mad!” (Ah, same here. “You made me angry.” Are we so different from children?) I crossed my arms. “I didn't smack your hands, did I?” He looked dejected, “No, but I was mad!”


Well, yes my son, your anger has indeed been established, I couldn't help but think that. So, I took it a step further. “How do you think that makes me feel?” Get your head out of your butt, child, and into my shoes. (Same goes here are well. Get your head out of your own experience and into that of your partner's.) My son mumbled, “Sad. Upset.”

“Yes, I am. So what should mommy do because you did that? How should I act?”

And here was the kicker, true as true can be. He responded: “Take away my shovel.”

That's right. Action, consequence. And consistency.

I am not the best partner/parent. I am constantly learning about these things cause I had no clue. None. Zip. Zero.


Great advice giver, poor execution. But how am I supposed to know my advice works if I don't follow it? How can I expect people to listen to me if I don't do it myself? People who come to see me for guidance?

I have to be an example and show that it works.

Do as I do, not as I say.

Sigh. I can't let myself slide. I have to keep my self in check. I can't give myself excuses.

What a PITA, haha.


But it's for the best. For quality of life. Some days I still feel like garbage, but I pull myself out of it. It's human nature to slip into lulls, maybe. But it's up to me to not wallow in them.


Human problems. Listen. Speak.

Respect. Don't react. Think. Work at it. Progress. Process. Trial and error.

Simple. But I never said easy, did I?

As long as we keep reaching up, though, we'll find our solutions, won't we?




Blessed Be, fellow humans.




Kat-